Vegetable Matters Page 2

decided that if he attacks Sir Colin first the rest will back down."

  "But what if they don't there could be deep resentment and he might be seen as a tyrant?"

  "Yes I'm afraid of that also, but the envoy was clear we are to meet tomorrow at the crossroads between Onionia and Lettucia."

  "Who does the king have father?"

  "He brings Sir Basil Brussel, Sir Crusty Cabbage, Sir Lionel de Leek, and his cousins Sir Samuel Squash, and Sir Paul van Pumpkin, and along with us he will have sizeable force."

  "Who stands against us father?"

  "Sir Colin also has massed a large army to his side son, with Sir Ollie van der Onion, Sir Ronald Radish, Sir Percy de Pepper, Sir Pountney Potato, and the Countess Leticia of Lettucia."

  "As you say father he has many fine warriors he can call to his side, but I am most a feared of Sir Ollie van der Onion, can you not remember when last we jousted together he made me cry."

  "Yes I remember it well, you sliced into him with your lance and the next thing you cried like a baby, he has that effect on all that injure him." A most formidable foe indeed father, still barring any great mishap I think that King Billy will win the day. It is a most audacious plan.

  The Vegetable army see an evil omen in the sky.

  It was the day of the battle and King Billy and his noble lords stood on top of manure hill, looking down on Onionia and Lettucia, where his assembled army was massing. The summer sun made the armour of his men shine, and he felt very proud as he looked at the massed ranks of veg as they sat astride their domesticated slugs ready for the fray. It had taken many long months to domesticate the slugs, but with the help of beer, they had done it. At last the order was given and the veg army moved forward, every vegetable ready to do his duty for king and patch. The Brussel Brigade took the lead with the Cabbage Highlanders with their distinctive green tartan behind, then the Welsh Leeks with their floppy hats, and so on and so on till at the very back marched the Tomintoul Tomatoes. First they marched into Onionia and after the first few hours of battle the Brown Brigade of onions were decimated. Then they were ordered onto Lettucia where the Countess and her Irish Green Lettuces stood ready with their leaves waving back and forth in expectation of a good fight. The Irish Green gave good account of themselves that day, but was undone by the Kings new super weapon. This had been secretly hidden in a safe place until the day of battle.The King had brought to the patch, a thing that all lettuces feared the most, the elite troops of Saladin Dressing. The lettuces fell back at the sight of the Saladin Dressing and surrendered. Next the king ordered the army to take Carrotoria to finish the war quickly and for good. They would move against Sir Colin's Carrotorium at once. The king sat on his slug feeling very happy that the day had gone so well, when from the sky an ominous black cloud appeared. As the sky darkened all below looked up and there was great panic in the patch. King Billy turned to his nobles, "It is the grim reaper we must all flee to our own corners of the patch."

  "Why your majesty?" said Sir Lionel de Leek. "We can still end this war if we push on."

  "No we must retreat we are all under threat now."

  "I have seen this sign once before when I was a child, they called him St George de Gardiner, and he has a very large fork." At the mention of the dreaded and banned word FORK the nobles turned and ran from the place in all directions, scared out of their wits. Sir Thomas de Tomato was one of the first to be taken from the field, and it was said that they found only his stalk, but that he had been a hero till the end, and had launched his seeds and juice straight into the reapers mouth. He had been a target because of his bright and shiny red armour. Then Sir Pountney Potato lost many men to the reaper, and even King Billy had his head chopped off with many of the royal family. Sir Colin Carrot lost all of his men alongside Sir Crusty Cabbage and a few of his family. There was great wailing and gnashing of leaves in the patch that day. All the families of the patch had been hit by the evil reaper. After a few days had passed and peace once more reigned over the patch a special team of investigators from the patch next door was sent for to see what could be done, to save the patch, and what if anything could be salvaged from the decimated armies. King Percy de Peapod sat and gathered all that were left in Brusellia and ordered that a new king must be found for the patch. Then from the decimated armies a voice was heard, it was Sir Paul, and the king asked that he come forward.

  "I wish to be king here in Brusellia, I am Sir Paul van Pumpkin and I lay claim to the throne through right of challenge." No one stepped forward to take up the challenge for Sir Paul was a very large knight and had been known to flatten other veg beneath his great stomach, and so Sir Paul was crowned king with the ancient crown of frosted worms, by his great ally Sir Bruce Broccoli.

  His first decree was that the his new kingdom be called Pumponya, and for a time peace and prosperity came to the patch, but the citizens would never be allowed to forget that sad day when many had been taken from the patch and were eaten alive. Mothers would scare their children with stories about St George de Gardener and his **** for they were not allowed ever to say the dreaded word, for fear of causing riots.

  So once more peace came to the patch and after a few months the patch had many children and they played and waved their leaves in the bright sunshine, but none would ever be allowed to forget that terrible day when a hero from the great glass house had been taken in his prime. They built a great statue to his memory and laid atop its head the stalk, all that was left of a once great Tomato.

  The End

  mailto:vegvanman@hotmail.co.uk